You’re Allowed to Want More: Pleasure as a Practice, Not a Reward

For a long time I treated my own pleasure like a tip — nice if it happened, not something I’d dream of demanding, certainly not something I’d practice at.

I gave a lot and received carefully. I was generous with everyone’s satisfaction but my own. And I called that being a good partner, when really it was just the old habit of making myself small, wearing lingerie.

The thing that changed wasn’t a trick. It was a permission slip I finally wrote for myself: I’m allowed to want more. And wanting more, it turns out, is a skill you can practice.

Pleasure isn’t a reward you earn

Somewhere most of us absorbed the idea that pleasure is conditional — something you get to have once you’re thin enough, loved enough, good enough; something granted rather than claimed. For women especially, it’s often framed as a gift someone else gives you if you’re lucky, rather than a birthright of living in a body.

The orgasm gap I’ve written about isn’t only about anatomy. It’s also about entitlement — about whose pleasure the whole encounter is quietly organized around. Laurie Mintz’s work names this plainly: a culture that treats women’s pleasure as optional produces exactly the results you’d expect. The first change is internal. You decide your pleasure is not optional.

Why women have sex — and why it matters

When the researchers Cindy Meston and David Buss actually asked women why they have sex, they came back with hundreds of reasons — attraction and love, yes, but also curiosity, adventure, stress relief, self-esteem, pure physical pleasure, the sheer want of it. Not duty. Not obligation. Not earning anyone’s approval.

I found that list weirdly freeing. Desire is allowed to be about you — your curiosity, your appetite, your enjoyment — and not a performance staged for someone else’s benefit. Owning that is the difference between sex that happens to you and sex you’re an active author of.

Practice looks like this

If pleasure is a practice, then like any practice it needs three unglamorous things: knowledge, attention, and repetition. Knowing your own body — what you actually respond to, which for most of us means far more clitoral attention than the script suggests. Paying real attention instead of grading yourself from the outside. And doing it enough that wanting stops feeling like something you have to justify.

Peggy Kleinplatz’s research on magnificent sex found that great lovers aren’t born — they’re made, through exactly this kind of attentive practice over time. Nobody arrives fluent. You get fluent by showing up, curious, again and again.

So this is your permission slip, if you’ve been waiting for one. You’re allowed to want more. You’re allowed to learn your own body like a language worth speaking. And you’re allowed to expect pleasure — not as a reward for being good, but as a normal part of being alive in a body that was, in one very literal way, built for it.

Questions I hear about this

Is it selfish to prioritize my own pleasure?

No — and the belief that it is drives a lot of unnecessary dissatisfaction. Owning your own pleasure isn’t taking something from a partner; it makes sex better for everyone, because you can communicate what you want and be genuinely present rather than performing. Research on why people have sex finds pleasure, curiosity and self-expression among the most common and healthy motivations. Your enjoyment is allowed to be a reason on its own.

Can you get better at experiencing pleasure?

Yes — it’s a learnable skill, not a fixed trait. Research on people who report extraordinary sex, including Peggy Kleinplatz’s, finds that great lovers develop through attention and practice over time rather than being born that way. Knowing your own body, staying present instead of self-monitoring, and giving yourself permission to want all improve with repetition, at any age.

How do I start owning my own pleasure?

Start by treating it as legitimate rather than optional, then get specific: learn what your own body actually responds to, pay attention to sensation instead of grading your performance, and practice saying one true thing about what you want out loud. Self-exploration is a valid and useful place to begin. The mindset shift — from earning pleasure to expecting it — usually matters more than any single technique.

(Informational, not medical advice. If pain, distress, or a persistent inability to experience pleasure is in the way, a sexual-wellness professional or your doctor can help.)