The Words for What You Want: Real Scripts for Talking About Sex

“Just communicate” is the advice everyone gives and nobody can use. It’s like telling someone who can’t swim to just swim. The wanting was never the hard part. The words are.

I know, because I had the wanting for years and none of the words. I could think a thing clearly and still find my mouth completely empty when the moment came.

So this is the piece I wish someone had handed me: not “talk more,” but the actual sentences. Say them badly. Say them anyway. Fluency comes later.

Why “just communicate” is useless advice

Talking about sex is a specific skill, and almost none of us were taught it — not the vocabulary, not the timing, not how to say a want without it sounding like a complaint. The psychologist Alexandra Solomon calls the foundation relational self-awareness: knowing what’s true for you well enough to put words to it, and trusting that your wants are allowed to take up space in the conversation.

That’s the quiet first move. Not the perfect phrase — the belief that you’re allowed to have a preference and name it. Everything below is just scaffolding for that.

Start softer than you think — the openers

The research on how couples handle hard conversations — decades of it, from John Gottman — is blunt about one thing: how a conversation starts largely predicts how it goes. A gentle start-up lands; a harsh or loaded one puts everyone on defense. That’s doubly true for sex, where everyone’s a little raw.

So start warm, and start with you, not with what’s missing. A few that actually work: “Can I tell you something I’ve been thinking about?” — “There’s something I’ve wanted to try, and I feel a little shy telling you.” — “I loved when you did that last time. Can we do more of it?” Notice they lead with wanting and curiosity, not with a review of what went wrong. Appreciation opens a door that criticism bolts shut.

Ask, offer, steer — three moves and their words

Most sexual communication is one of three moves, and each has phrasing that keeps it clean. Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent makes the difference sharp: are you asking for you, or offering for them?

Ask (for your pleasure): “Would you be up for…?” — “Can I have…?” — “I’d love it if you’d…” Offer (for theirs): “Can I do something for you?” — “Tell me what you’d like.” — “What would feel good right now?” And steer, in the moment, with small course-corrections rather than speeches: “a little softer,” “yes, there,” “slower,” “more of that.” Redirecting isn’t rejection; a quiet “here, like this” is one of the most generous things you can say, and it keeps you both in the moment instead of guessing.

You will fumble these. Everyone does. The goal was never to be smooth — it was to be understood, and understood beats smooth every single time.

Questions I hear about this

How do I bring up sex without making it awkward?

Start gently and start with appreciation, not criticism — research on couples (notably John Gottman’s) shows the opening tone largely sets how the whole conversation goes. Pick a low-pressure moment outside the bedroom, lead with something you liked or are curious about (“There’s something I’ve wanted to try…”), and frame it as your wanting rather than their shortfall. A little awkwardness is normal and not a sign you did it wrong.

What if I don’t know what I want yet?

That’s common and completely fine — you can say exactly that: “I’m not sure what I want yet, but I’d like to explore.” Knowing your own wants is a skill that grows with self-awareness and experience, not something you must have figured out before you’re allowed to talk. Getting curious together, and paying attention to what actually feels good, is often how the answer arrives.

How do I redirect in the moment without killing the mood?

Use small, warm course-corrections instead of stopping to explain — “a little softer,” “slower,” “yes, there,” “more of that.” Framed as guidance toward more pleasure rather than a complaint, redirection reads as enthusiasm, not rejection. A quiet “here, like this” keeps you both present and usually makes the moment better, not more fragile.

(Informational, not therapy. If talking about sex consistently turns into conflict or distress, a couples or sex therapist can help you build the skill together.)